Why This Is Hell

More eye witness accounts:

"I suddenly woke up, feeling like jelly!"

[I often feel like jelly. Strawberry or black cherry for preference]


"I sat up and looking out the window i saw a cat fall off a fence and I was very shocked. I tried standing up but at my old age that can be a difficulty.

"At first I thought someone was breaking in until I turned television on to see Sky News. I went into the my kitchen and i found my dog curled up in his basket scared, he was wimping and whining.


Spot the product placement as this was http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30000-1263223,00.html

One for I-Sky on Private Eye

See also http://www.guardian.co.uk/uklatest/story/0,,-6593861,00.html

and of course http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6602677.stm

So I go from Florida time to GMT to BST within about five days, but my body clock is probably more bothered by the post-3am bedtime followed by 7.15 getting up last Friday, because I had one last session to teach. ( WTF? )

N came round just before 2 to finish the fencing. The first thing was to check the dry-in-fifteen-minutes concrete footings, but they are still damp. The ground is saturated and it rained over night. Frankly, I suspect an underground stream - that end of the garden is soaked.

We started with the easy bit, fitting the fence panel in that was flush with the two posts. The ground needed a big of redigging to make it flat, but the clasps nailed onto the posts with little difficulty. Then we had to fit the weatherboard in. Instinct would be to lower it in, but it's hard to lift a 6'x5' panel five foot in the air when there is a tree overhead. There was enough give in the posts to fix it in.

The second one was more difficult, given that one of the posts is 30 degrees from the line of the fence, and a foot shorter. We had to hammer the clasps much wider, and then hope they didn't sheer when we hammered to flush to the board. Thankfully I took the opportunity to dig up and move the camelia to a place where it is hopefully less likely to fry in the dawn's early light, so we had room top swing a hammer.

That much took an hour or so and leaves a two foot gap in the fence behind the shed. We repaired the boarding that was there before, pro tem, but we need something a bit better. "How about a gate?" suggested N. Yeah, sure, take the fence down and move it two foot along, why do I need a gate to the back of the shed? I thought about the wheelie bins, but I don't fancy such a trip with kitchen rubbish there. But I had considered having the composter there and it is clearly damper back there. So a gate it will be, eventually.

And one day that concrete will dry.

There used to be someone who drank in my boozer called John the Fence. This kept him separate from John the Builder, whose brother was Bob the Builder. He used to go on at great length about a fence panel being six foot rather than 180cm and was generally very interesting indeed. He was also a Low Talker ((C) Seinfeld), which meant you often had to ask him to repeat his very interesting comment, or pretend you had heard him but in the process risk agreeing to wear a puffy shirt on television. I filed him away in my mind in case I ever had any fencing needs, as I knew I would get a good deal, and a very interesting conversation.

So in the gales we got instead of five cm of snow a fortnight ago, I acquired a fencing need. One of the posts has snapped, and the weatherboarding has seen better days. But John has long since disappeared into a retirement home, and has hardly been seen since. So it fell to N, as so often, to be my designated adult.

Unfortunately, he couldn't spare me that half hour on Sunday looking at the situation as he was at his dad's, having been to the rugby, so we took a look Monday night with a torch. He came back to me the next day with a reasonable quote, and got me to check the order. "I take it we order the concrete nearer the time?" I emailed.

"POST FIX IS THE CEMENT AND BALLAST FOR THE POSTS," he shouted.

"Do the posts come with that, then, or are we going to salvage the existing ones?"

"FORGOT THE POSTS."

Just as well I did check the invoice, then.


So yesterday all the stuff arrived, and I put what could be fitted into the shed, which is just as well given the snow. I helped unload, including carrying a comedy piece of wood of some four metres in length. I now have a spade, which will be useful for gardening. I can't help but notice that these new weatherboards are much taller than the ones they are replacing. Some surgery may be required.

Last night B asked me if N had fixed the fence yet. Odd, as I don't remember talking to him about it and I don't see why N would. Maybe he heard me ask N in the first place. Faster than the speed of light is gossip. I fear it will be another fortnight before the fence is done. I hope it can survive that long.

I was convinced it wouldn't snow today - the website said sleet and it was sunny all day if cold - but I was wrong, and now I am deluged with apologetic emails, and queries as to whether the only place they could have got the essay question was today's lectures. Sigh.