On Looking Well

[faustus]

One thing that struck me after I bounced off the bottom in March/April 2004 was how many people told me I looked well. I certainly didn't feel well, and yes, there are occasions when the egoboo is what the doctor ordered.

There has only been one occasion - and that was back in exam season last year - when people told me I looked like shit and I should go home, retire to bed, do not pass go. I wish someone had rang alarm bells before Easter 2004, although perhaps I would not have heard them or believed them at the time.

Comments

[pigeonhed.livejournal.com]

This is a recurring difficulty with people who have depressive episodes: they often manage to function well enough in their routines that people don't see a deeper malaise. Its the quiet times, the isolated parts of lives where that functionality breaks down, and of course nobody sees that.

Hope you're coping ok now.

[drasecretcampus.livejournal.com]

It's been a long struggle, and not always a linear recovery, but I'm no longer bogged down in the OCD coping strategies that characterised the two or three years up to Easter 2004 (and are still there if fading; it doesn't take an hour to leave the house now). Certainly there was the sense that I kept going and thus was ok - I survived the two years of commuting between three or four cities so obvious simply doing one job in one place would be easy peasy. Well, everything caught up.

Right now I'm back into the fray without having had any real down time ("You've had a long break" is the default assumption - when would that have been then?), with an impossible managerial situation, ongoing anxieties about dealing with my big bother, anxieties about parents (who are better than I feared, but sometimes the relief is simply the point the stress catches up) and so on. The actual trigger, or tipping point, last night was absurdly trivial, but I feel as if I'm on the edge again. I'd genuinely had a good evening, and was planning what should be a good night out, but the Complications make it ... complicated.

Mixed metaphor ahoy.

It's a distress flare. I think I've caught it in time. Again, it's almost as if having been able to relax, the shit catches up.

I think autopilot and overwork is as much a sign of depression as withdrawal to one's bed (and there have been an awful lot of days when it has been difficult to get up recently). I know I am envied my productivity, but it's come at a cost.

[pigeonhed.livejournal.com]

If you need to talk... I'm usually up (too) late (which since I have the early waking that is symptom of my mostly relatively mild depression is not good).

[drasecretcampus.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the offer, but I think this is a battle I mostly need to fight for myself. I need to find my own perspective.

Actually, I'm not sure I have contact details for you that are up to date anyway...